Our Foster Journey: Things I've Learned, part two

The Lord has been so sweet during this foster journey to show us more of His character through all of the chaos. I want to write down these things he has taught so I will not forget his faithfulness.


Sometimes things do not make sense from what I can see, but God is still good.  This idea is still a work in progress in my mind, but I still know it to be true.

We did not become a foster family thinking it would be easy or comfortable. We entered into it knowing the Lord had designed us in a way that has prepared us for foster care. For instance, when I get comfortable, I forget my desperate need for saving. I tend to think I'm not too bad, or I can do things on my own, I get comfortable and forget about anything other than myself. It is good for my soul to be intentional about being uncomfortable. One of the reasons for entering foster care, is to remind us that life is not about us but about living out our faith to a God who had to rescue us from ourselves. (Galatians 2:20) So we entered into the darkness of foster care, knowing we would have to interact with dark things. 

If you need convincing: Remember the 12 calls in 14 days. Or, the condition and circumstances that led to Baby L being dropped off. Or, the fact that his mom still loved him and wanted him back. Or, how our family had to suffer a little bit along with Baby L through staph infections.

I don't know the answers for these things, or why they have happened. While in the car on the way to visit family, I was trying to understand some of these things. Then the Lord reminded me how narrow my perspective actually is. I could not look out the window at the building we were passing without swerving into another lane. I could only focus on what was right in front of me. God is outside of time, outside of creation, and looks in with a much clearer picture than I will ever get this side of eternity. Until then, I cling to Scripture I know to be true even when I don't see the good in front of me.

There is a group at church who is memorizing James this semester, and it could not be more perfect timing!

"Consider it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have it's full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing." 
Consider it joy when hard things come because your steadfasteness in confidence of who God is and what he does will make you perfect and complete. How can you lack anything when you have everything?

"Let the lowly brother boast in his exaltation." 
Lowliness of spirit, like the feeling of being worn out by trials, is what the Lord will exalt.

"Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trail, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him."
Through enduring trials, we are given a crown to lay at the feet of Jesus in heaven and proclaim He was worth it all! (Revelations 4:6b-11)

"Do not be deceived, my beloved brothers. Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, from whom there is no variation or shadow due to change."
God. is. good. And constant. He's unchanging. He sends only good and perfect gifts.

"But the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed in his doing."
This law requires perseverance in obedience, but is ultimately freedom. It is the law of liberty. Obedience leads to freedom, because obedience leads to Jesus.

"Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction"
Foster care is what the Lord has commanded of our family, and it is good.

So even if I don't know why, or how, or see the bigger picture, I am confident my God is still good and he's sees more than my very narrow perspective. He is my prize, not my comfort or understanding.

Our Foster Journey: Things I've Learned, part one

The Lord has been so sweet during this foster journey to show us more of His character through all of the chaos. I want to write down these things he has taught so I will not forget his faithfulness.

One of the concerns we faced when telling people we felt like the Lord was asking us to be a foster family was, "What about your biological children? Aren't you afraid of how it will affect them?"

I did/do not have an answer to all of the questions, and honestly do not feel like I need to have them. Our entering the foster care world was not out of comfort for us or our family, but out of obedience to what the Lord had prepared for us. In these conversations, I felt confident the Lord would protect my kids in one way or another.

Before we knew everything Baby L had, but knew enough that at least one thing was contagious, we had a "game" at the house. The goal of the game was to see who could NOT touch L. Sweet Baby L was in quarantine in the crib, or pack n play with toys, while H and D were sent off to the back room for TV and Legos. (Side note: During this time, Harrison learned how to use the Apple remote for Netflix shows. It was both depressing and very helpful!) While the kids were separated, I still applied creams and steroid ointments for L, changed diapers, and cuddled him because he had been neglected for some time. In between, I obsessively washed hands and cleaned surfaces with antibacterial cleaners. The first day of quarantine was all fun and games, and then it wasn't.

One night Marshall was traveling, I bathed L and put him to bed before bathing H and D. Between the baths, I scrubbed the tub and didn't think twice about it. Two days later, Davis showed up with staph pimples on his hip. We kept both boys from school and took them to their pediatrician. It was confirmed: Davis had staph and Baby L gave it to him because my bath cleaner didn't have bleach in it.

I. felt. awful. Here I had just defended our fostering to people who were concerned about how it effected H and D. I felt like I had intentionally put my kids in harm's way and had not protected them. My people kept telling me staph is common, and it was caught early, we would all be okay, but I kept hearing, "Yup, you gave him staph."

On the way to the hospital for another obvious staph abscess, I was wrestling with the Lord:

ME: You told me to foster, and now you aren't protecting my kids.
a quiet thought from the Lord: "My love, it's just staph."
ME: NO! It's not just staph. It's my obedience to you that put my kid in harm's way. Why did it have to Davis, why couldn't it have been me?
a quiet thought from the Lord: "What did my son have to go through so that YOU would have a chance?"

{Insert even uglier crying.}

L was placed with us during Advent season. His skin was weak and frail, it was literally breaking itself. In the car on the way to the hospital--an uncomfortable and dirty place, rampant with diseases--the Lord reminded me of his example. God, the Creator and Sustainer of Heaven and Earth, humbled himself by putting on frail skin, knowing it would have to endure the cross, with the purpose of giving me a chance at life. (Philippians 2:5-11) And he did it with JOY! (Hebrews 12:12) With JOY, knowing the heinous things we are capable--heinous enough that kids would not even be safe with their own families-- and knowing what he would have to endure to make it so, Jesus put on skin so that I might fully live. 

After this sweet reminder, I survived the uncomfortable hospital for his sick skin. With all of my might, thinking on his example, I still couldn't muster joy in being there, which made me all the more thankful for a God who loves perfectly.

My ebenezer:  Through Davis's staph, given to him by our foster son, the Lord reminded me that he is an empathetic high priest (Isaiah 53:3, Hebrews 7:26).

Our Foster Journey: Our First Placement

We got the first call at 12:30am, we said yes, and they said he's yours as soon as he's done being examined at the hospital. CPS arrived at my home at 9am. A great friend came over to keep the other two boys company while I completed more mounds of paperwork.

I cannot think back on that first day without tears. Little man was in bad shape. It's hard to believe he's the same kid. The hospital papers listed 2 skin conditions, one that was contagious the other was eczema. We later found 2 other infections, both contagious. We didn't have a name or an age or any information on how he arrived this way because he had been passed from different homes over the last month at least. We thought he was older because he had a mouth-full of teeth, but didn't seem very old because he could hardly hold up his head--though it was probably because he was in so much pain. When he started squirming in his carseat, I took him out and carried him into the kitchen to get a bottle. Poor little man was squeezing me with all of his might, having just had a long night at the hospital and now somewhere new he didn't recognize--again!--he was understandably nervous. Davis ran into the kitchen when he realized he had a chance at food too, and when little man saw D, he immediately relaxed. That's the first time I knew this where this little man needs to be right now.

We spent the rest of the day arm wrestling Medicaid, CPS and the hospital to get an o.k. to get little man's prescriptions under "baby boy unknown", and then doctoring his wounds. By 8pm that night, we got a call from CPS, who had located mom who gave us Baby Ls name and birth date and demanding him back. I was warned this foster world was messy, I just don't think I really knew how messy. By the end of night one, I was already having to rely on the Lord's sovereign goodness and how I can care for L now, without worrying about what was next.

I would not have survived those first two weeks without my parents and friends and home group who laid down their schedules to help with dinners, or watching the boys, or providing me company when I was holed up at the house. Over the first 2 months, L and I spent 40-something hours at the hospital for staph infections, trouble breathing, and learning to care for his skin. We had daily, weekly, and monthly routines to help him not feel miserable. We said we couldn't deal with extra medical care, but the Lord had something else in mind. I became consumed and obsessed with finding any way to help Baby L--prescriptions, over the counter meds, essential oils, better diet, wet wraps, moisturizers 4-6 times a day, anything that could help. At times, I'd get angry about all it. Angry his skin got this way, angry no one was watching him or caring for him, angry it wasn't curable, angry it was taking time and attention away from the other boys, angry that it was making me angry.

And then, Baby L would hold his head, and then sit on his own, then pull up, and finally take his first steps! Although a lot slower than I wanted, the Lord was healing him. "Do not be deceived, my beloved brothers. Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights from whom there is no variation or shadow due to change." (James 1: 16-17)

My bio kids love, love, love, love, love Baby L. Monday I was kicked out of the nursery by my 4 year old because he was reading a book to Baby L and didn't want me to bother them. Yesterday my 2 year old ran into the nursery when Baby L started crying, after waking from a nap, and started giving him kisses. At the kids' Valentine's parties at school, Harrison called all of his friends around the stroller to see "his baby!". They then had competitions to see who could make him laugh. In Davis's classroom, they did an activity asking each of the kids what they loved. Everyone's answers were either mom or grandmothers, except for Davis who said, "Baby L". They know L is here because his home isn't safe right now, to which Harrison has assumed we are just waiting until the construction men finish fixing his house.

Marshall and I love, love, love, love love Baby L too. We think of him as our third son, all of the while praying for the Lord to make his birth family a safe place for L. Baby L has spent his first Christmas and his first birthday in our house. He took his first steps here and first started calling someone "mama" here. He is completely ours, while not being ours at all. We want what the Lord wants for Baby L, and we want Baby L to stay. As it turns out, those two are not the same thing. 

Baby L will be in our home for 11 weeks and 4 days. Even though it was such a short time, he'll always be considered a part of our family.

Our Foster Journey: The Waiting

Papers on papers, on copies, on appointments, on forms on papers, on notary signatures, on tests and appointments and classes and books and instructional DVDs and more forms and more appointments and inspections and home studies and more paper on paper on paper on paper. Seriously. That was the application process of becoming a foster family. I called it my paper pregnancy. It lasted almost as long, but I was able to have my wine along the way... otherwise I would have never made it through that pregnancy (the paper one!). I thought as soon as I am done with this mound of paperwork it will all be over, and I can get to the other stuff, the baby stuff, the easier stuff. BAHAHAHAHA! Do you ever look back at a time of thinking and you can almost picture the Trinity in heaven listening to me and covering their mouth while snickering? I picture the triune God having a good laugh over my naivety, then patting  my head and whispering back to me, "If only you could see what's right around the corner! You enjoy that paper work sweet child. This. Is the easy part."

On November 25th we finally got the call saying we were in the system and we can start expecting calls. I asked the lady on the other end how long she thought it would be before I got a call about a child. She said, "There's a really high demand for homes for babies in your county. Technically, your information won't register in the system for another 2-3 days, but if there's an emergency placement tonight then you'll get a call tonight. It's time to stop screening your calls. Any call could be about a kid." Enter panic mode. This was happening. I texted everyone saying it was time, to start praying for the Lord to put the right kid in our home, and for his/her protection until he (or she) gets here.

I got a call that night in the middle of women's bible study with some friends, and ran out of the room. Everyone held their breath and started praying. I ran outside, answered, and heard, "I'm looking for Shannon Smith." Knots in stomach. My pulse nearing heart attack danger range. "Yes, this is she." "This is (so and so) with that business school you went to... (no idea what words came next)." Nope. Unless my old business school got in the business of putting kids in safer homes, this wasn't THE call.

Friday... 2-3 days after the original call saying we were in the system, we got a call about a little girl who was just born and I would need to pick up from the hospital on Monday. Tears of joy this time. I started researching all of the things I would need to know: how to take care of African American hair, ways of calming babies exposed to drugs before birth, what side effects to look for and questions to ask when the caller called back. I had texted everyone I texted the first time around. 5 hours later I got a call saying, "Sorry we forgot to call you but that baby was placed and here's another one that just came across... interested?" Wait. What? Uh, yea, sure we're interested. New research: Kids from domestic violence homes, things to look for and ask about. 2 hours later, "That little man was placed somewhere else too. Here's a 3rd baby that falls in your age range, but you'll have to come up and stay at the hospital overnight. He's 6 weeks old and has intense medical care the doctor wants to show you before you take him home." This one I had to say no to. We weren't ready to take on kids that required extra medical care, because I have 2 other kids under 4 at the house and it just wasn't in my bandwidth. {Enter the Trinity's snickering.} Plus, Marshall was traveling so I couldn't stay overnight at the hospital.

Within two weeks of being officially certified we received 12 calls about kids in our area needing homes: kids from domestic violence homes, kids who had been beaten up by family, kids with heart conditions that no one could take care of, kids with siblings who were all being sent to different homes, kids born to moms who were on drugs in the delivery room, kids born to moms who violated probation and were leaving the hospital to go to jail. 12 calls. In 14 days. For kids 0-18 months. In my county. And, these were the easiest cases--we had already said we couldn't take care of kids that required intensive medical care or supervision.

A couple of kids we said no to for medical care, the rest we said yes. After that crazy first day of calls, I'd text my people and give a brief story. We'd all pray. We prayed for homes to be safe, and CPS found a safe family member before the kids ever entered foster care. We prayed for siblings to be placed near each other, and they were. We prayed for siblings to be together in the same home, and a kid that was literally in the car on the way to my house at 1 am and was dropped off at the wrong house--with another sibling. After two weeks of these calls, my heart was so heavy but maybe the ministry the Lord was calling us to by preparing us for foster care was just to pray over these kids. The Lord was so sweet to give me a small glimpse into little ways he's redeeming things that people have tried to destroy. I was so beat up over these calls, but hopeful that the Lord was watching over them and taking them somewhere safer.

At 12:30 am on December 8th we got a call for a little boy who had been abandoned 3 times, and eventually dropped off at CPS. They didn't know his name or his age or who his mom was, so they are taking him to the hospital to be examined first. They think he "might have eczema" so he "may come with a cream". Are we interested? YES! Absolutely, yes.

Our Foster Journey: In the Beginning...

The best way I know to explain how sure we are of this foster thing is to tell you a little back story.

Marshall and I met on double dates in high school, with other people. Eventually, obviously, those relationship ended and -- after a respectable amount of time! -- Marshall started to like me. Sweet man was so patient with my stubbornness because it took no less than 3 conversations of Marshall telling me he liked me and wanted us to date. Each time I told him he'd have to get over it, we were "just friends". {Ouch.} Long story short, we started dating. I eventually told him over text that I liked him, right before walking into a Chemistry exam. I hate being wrong in general, and I couldn't very well let the words come out of my actual mouth. I walked out to about 50 text messages, 10 phone calls, and a few voicemails all from Marshall. He was determined to get me to actually say it, and then got angry about my timing. He was literally in the car on his way up to college in New Hampshire, and I was currently at school in Austin, Texas. We "officially" started dating over Thanksgiving break when we saw each other at home. Before he went back to school, we went down to Austin to see the crazy Christmas lights on 32nd 1/2 Street. I vividly remember holding his hand, walking down the street and thinking, "I'm going to spend the rest of my life with this man." Seriously. It was weird. I wasn't freaking out, I wasn't nervous, it was just a matter-of-fact thing, but there was no way I was telling him that (it had only been a couple of weeks!! I didn't want to scare the poor guy... or be wrong again). I just knew it. I was going to marry him and we were going to live happily, ever after. Or something.

I had a similar I-just-know experience before all of this, while in Belize. I vividly remembering working in an orphanage on a senior year mission trip, and my heart breaking for all of the children. I remember holding one little boy and thinking how much I just wanted to wrap him up and take him home with me. In that orphanage, I thought, "I am going to adopt". Seeing these kids without people to care for them, and knowing I was able and capable made we want to take all of them and I'd figure out the details later. I came home from that trip and tried to prepare my parents for the fact I was going to adopt all of my kids. They quickly reminded me I had a similar reaction after watching the birthing video they make you watch in sex ed in 6th grade. (Doesn't everyone come home with that reaction? It's the point of showing it in the first place, right?) I knew this was different, though--it was going to happen. I wasn't freaked out, no worrying about it, it was just a fact. As sure as I would dinner that evening, I was going to adopt in the future.

Marshall and I talked about it in dating, though we remember it a little differently. I remember adamantly insisting this was a make-or-break thing for us: we would adopt together or we would probably never get married. I'm pretty sure after I finally said "let's date" he was pretty much good-to-go with whatever crazy things came next. He just remembers saying, "Sure."

We got married and talked about wanting to adopt, but first thinking we were going to try to pursue having biological children. After a miscarriage we thought maybe all of our kids would be through adoption. Then came Harrison, and two years later came Davis. We knew adoption was next.

While in Belize, I thought for sure it would be an international adoption. Yet, as we became more involved in our community, we began wanting to care for kids in our city. For one reason or another, we didn't feel like an adoption agency was the way we were going to go. So, foster to adopt was next. We started the classes, and the Lord sweetly adjusted our views. Adoption started out as a means to complete our family in a way, and now we realized we wanted to care for kids that didn't have another place to go. We want to adopt because there are orphans without parents to care for, love, teach, and protect them. But, if these kids don't have to be orphans, we don't want them to be.

Fostering kids was always the part I was/am most reluctant about. These kids will come, I will love them like my kids,  all the while praying that they don't become mine--that their biological family will fight for them, be a safe place for them, will love and care for them in a way the Lord intends parents to parent. I walked into this journey knowing the foster care part would be the most heart-wrenching, but if my broken-heart is the price to pay for this kid being protected and loved, then so. be. it.

These are the ways I saw it, but my God saw the bigger picture. He was orchestrating each step from the beginning: He brought Marshall and me together. He gave us the picture of taking care of children without homes.  He led us to adoption through foster care. He designed us both, from the beginning, in such a way that prepared us for these things (Ephesians 2:10).

And now, just as certain I was of marrying Marshall, I know that our family will be a foster family.